Richard on a "walk" to the river, with Molly, my dad, my brother Bill, and my sister-in-law Lucy

Late last September, when it was clear that Richard’s brain tumor was getting the best of him, Molly asked if she could come stay with us “for the duration” to help with his hospice care.

“Of course,” I said. “We’d love to have you.”

It took her a couple of weeks to arrange for leave from her job as an analyst for a big ad firm in San Francisco. By the time she arrived, her daddy was already having a hard time walking, but when he spotted her getting off the bus from Denver, I swear his smile was big enough to light half the county.

She settled into our guest cottage, and began quietly figuring out ways to help out, from sitting with her dad in the afternoon so I could get out for a walk, to getting him to talk about his art and his life.

A few days after Molly arrived, the hospice harpist came for her regular once-a-week “concert.” She set her harp up in the bedroom and played for 45 minutes while Richard rested.

After the harpist left, Molly said, “I could do that.”

“What?” I asked, one ear cocked for her daddy stirring in the next room.

“Play for Dad.”

I looked at her, astonished. This is the “kid” (she’s 33 years old now) who has Richard’s music genes in spades. She was such a talented flutist in her school years that she won a four-year, full-ride scholarship to the local university–when she was in 8th grade. Somewhere between high school and college though, things went wrong, and she quit playing. She hasn’t picked her flute up since.

Molly's inner flutist emerges...

Her daddy and I had never quit believing that making music would always be part of who Molly is. Someday, we hoped, she would take it up again.

I swallowed, keeping my voice light.

“Yes, you could,” I said. And left it at that.

Two weeks later, when her boyfriend came to join her, he brought her flute, having unearthed it from heaven-knows-where in their San Francisco apartment. (I didn’t know she still had it.)

The next afternoon during her daddy’s rest time, she took it out, put it together, and searched for flute music on the internet. She propped her iPad up on the shelves in the kitchen, cleared her throat, put her lips to the instrument, and began to play.

iPad as score, cabinets as music stand!

I woke Richard. “Listen,” I whispered. “That’s Molly, playing for you.”

Did I say his smile could probably light half the county? When he heard the notes of her flute, the smile-glow was likely visible 100 miles away. He reached for my hand.

“Thank you,” he said.

“Don’t thank me,” I said, tears running down my face. “Thank Molly.”

“You taught her about love,” he said, “and generosity.”

We held hands, listening as the gift of Molly’s music graced the house.

Molly played for her daddy almost every afternoon, her technique growing stronger and more sure with practice. She and the hospice harpist played two duets, laughing their way through.

After Richard died, Molly said that the harpist her offered to play at the celebration of his life. I held my breath, not wanting to press.

“I think I will too,” she said after a moment. I hugged her.

And she did. The crowd of several hundred people hushed as she picked up her flute and the lush notes twined with the plucking of the harp strings. I felt her daddy’s smile, and had to wipe away tears.

Molly’s still playing, and I see that as a silver lining on the very dark cloud of her daddy’s death. The love of my life is gone, but his joy in making music lives on. Witness the video below from last month, where Molly plays a duet with my sister-in-law, Lucy, a cellist.

Thank you, Sweetie, for that gift!

Sorry for the radio silence. We've had an influx of visiting family–Molly and a bunch of Tweits. So the last few days have been taken up with family business (a three-hour stint with a lawyer updating my dad's affairs), plus cooking and eating, taking walks, birdwatching, seeing art, playing cards and laughing…

Theclan

(That's the clan on our front porch. Left to right: Richard; Molly; our niece Alice; her mom, my sister-in-law Lucy kneeling; her dad, my brother Bill; and my dad, Bob)

Saturday morning after a scrumptious breakfast of my breakfast-in-a-muffin muffins (recipe below) and Richard's elegantly flipped-in-the-pan scrambled eggs, we headed downriver to Badger Creek, just west of the tiny town of Howard, for a ramble. (Richard stayed home for a nap, after performing flawlessly on the difficult brain-task of remembering the sequencing of making his eggs and then correctly flipping each pan-ful, three in all. Alice had More Important Things to Do: play with my new iPad.)

Badgercreek

Badger Creek is the only perennial stream running into the Arkansas River from the northeast, the high-desert side of the valley. It cuts a long, nearly straight canyon draining the southern edge of South Park from about 9,500 feet elevation into the Arkansas River far below. It's a corridor for wildlife, connecting high country to the plains-bound river, and also a great hiking route. In spring, it's usually lousy with wildflowers and migrating birds.

Claretcup

Saturday morning it wasn't lousy with wildflowers (it's been a pore-puckeringly dry year), but we found the early claret cup cactus blossom above and one diminuitive ant money lupine, a tiny and gorgeously ultramarine blue annual wildflower (those flowers in the photo below are about the size of my little fingernail). The birding was great though, and that's what led me to the day's epiphany.

Antmoneylupine

I stood in the warm sunshine, inhaling the faint resiny scent of piñon pine and juniper needles, listening idly to bursts of birdsong that my birdwatching brother identified as a plumbeous vireo (a songbird bigger than a warbler and camoflaged in a dull gray color). Bill wanted the vireo to come close enough that my legally-blind dad could see it, so he pulled up Sibley's Guide to North American Birds on his smartphone. Pretty soon the real vireo flew into the tree next to us to out-sing the digital version…

Birders

While I watched the birders in my family get a thorough look and then turn their attention to another bird, the phrase "bird by bird" popped into my mind, from Annie Lamott's terrific book about writing and creativity.

That phrase describes not only how we were seeing Badger Creek (rambling from birdsong to birdsong), but also in the metaphoric sense, how Richard and I are approaching this journey with his brain cancer: Take this moment, this day, and live it as well as you can, and then go on to the next, without becoming paralyzed by worrying about the whole journey. Bird by bird, day by day.

And on that note, here's today's good news. Richard spent the better part of an hour in his studio this afternoon, explaining to a friend how to cut and polish a chunk of petrified tree trunk. It's the first time he's been in his studio in… months, I think. He's exhausted now, but still. Whatever tomorrow brings–and some days are just freaking grueling–we'll always have today's quiet joy at his time in the studio, plus Saturday's plumbeous vireo and the gift of the family visit. (But not Casablanca, because we've never been there… Sorry. Sick sense of humor.)

Tomorrow afternoon we head over the mountains to Denver, which will be easier since Molly will be along to help. We'll sort out some computer issues for my Dad on Wednesday; Thursday is Richard's next Avastin infusion. Fingers crossed. I'll report in after we get home Thursday night.

In the meantime, here's the recipe for those yummy and good-for-you muffins (I use organic ingredients.):

"Breakfast in a Muffin"
1 cup dried blueberries
2 cups chopped apple
½ cup maple syrup
1 cup plain yogurt
¼ cup melted butter
2 eggs
¾ cup water
½ tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp ginger
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 cup oat bran
½ cup flax meal
½ cup chopped walnuts

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Butter the muffin tins. Chop the apples. Combine dry ingredients (plus walnuts) in a large bowl, stir in apples and blueberries. Whisk melted butter, maple syrup, yogurt, egg, and water in a medium bowl. Pour liquid into dry ingredients and fold in carefully until just mixed. Spoon muffin batter into tins, filling each to the rim. Bake 20 minutes, or until surface springs back with a touch. Makes 16 muffins. Enjoy!