Richard on a "walk" to the river, with Molly, my dad, my brother Bill, and my sister-in-law Lucy

Late last September, when it was clear that Richard’s brain tumor was getting the best of him, Molly asked if she could come stay with us “for the duration” to help with his hospice care.

“Of course,” I said. “We’d love to have you.”

It took her a couple of weeks to arrange for leave from her job as an analyst for a big ad firm in San Francisco. By the time she arrived, her daddy was already having a hard time walking, but when he spotted her getting off the bus from Denver, I swear his smile was big enough to light half the county.

She settled into our guest cottage, and began quietly figuring out ways to help out, from sitting with her dad in the afternoon so I could get out for a walk, to getting him to talk about his art and his life.

A few days after Molly arrived, the hospice harpist came for her regular once-a-week “concert.” She set her harp up in the bedroom and played for 45 minutes while Richard rested.

After the harpist left, Molly said, “I could do that.”

“What?” I asked, one ear cocked for her daddy stirring in the next room.

“Play for Dad.”

I looked at her, astonished. This is the “kid” (she’s 33 years old now) who has Richard’s music genes in spades. She was such a talented flutist in her school years that she won a four-year, full-ride scholarship to the local university–when she was in 8th grade. Somewhere between high school and college though, things went wrong, and she quit playing. She hasn’t picked her flute up since.

Molly's inner flutist emerges...

Her daddy and I had never quit believing that making music would always be part of who Molly is. Someday, we hoped, she would take it up again.

I swallowed, keeping my voice light.

“Yes, you could,” I said. And left it at that.

Two weeks later, when her boyfriend came to join her, he brought her flute, having unearthed it from heaven-knows-where in their San Francisco apartment. (I didn’t know she still had it.)

The next afternoon during her daddy’s rest time, she took it out, put it together, and searched for flute music on the internet. She propped her iPad up on the shelves in the kitchen, cleared her throat, put her lips to the instrument, and began to play.

iPad as score, cabinets as music stand!

I woke Richard. “Listen,” I whispered. “That’s Molly, playing for you.”

Did I say his smile could probably light half the county? When he heard the notes of her flute, the smile-glow was likely visible 100 miles away. He reached for my hand.

“Thank you,” he said.

“Don’t thank me,” I said, tears running down my face. “Thank Molly.”

“You taught her about love,” he said, “and generosity.”

We held hands, listening as the gift of Molly’s music graced the house.

Molly played for her daddy almost every afternoon, her technique growing stronger and more sure with practice. She and the hospice harpist played two duets, laughing their way through.

After Richard died, Molly said that the harpist her offered to play at the celebration of his life. I held my breath, not wanting to press.

“I think I will too,” she said after a moment. I hugged her.

And she did. The crowd of several hundred people hushed as she picked up her flute and the lush notes twined with the plucking of the harp strings. I felt her daddy’s smile, and had to wipe away tears.

Molly’s still playing, and I see that as a silver lining on the very dark cloud of her daddy’s death. The love of my life is gone, but his joy in making music lives on. Witness the video below from last month, where Molly plays a duet with my sister-in-law, Lucy, a cellist.

Thank you, Sweetie, for that gift!

Orchidcactus

I'm still wallowing in the land of forms and after-death paperwork, and stressing out a bit over all of the details involved in planning the celebration of Richard's life. (Join us on December 23rd, the day after winter solstice, at the Salida Steamplant Events Center, from 2:30 to 4:00 p.m.)

I'm also beginning to reclaim my writing time. Not all day, not even every day, but chunks here and there.

Writing is not just my work: it's vital to the way I want to live in the world: with love and care. It's my way to process the experiences life throws at me, to share what wisdom I've learned, to keep the stories moving from mind to mind and heart to heart, to live mindfully, with my heart outstretched as if it were my hand. Writing comforts me, inspires me, humbles me, teaches me patience and courage, and reminds me of who I am and why I love this world–over and over again, with each word, sentence, paragraph, story.

Without writing, I am like the red-brown, flattened stalks of the christmas cactus in the photo above–without blossoms. Without writing, my spirit withers. I lack the inner nourishment to thrive.

My spirit's been feeling pretty withered lately, and not just because of Richard's death from brain cancer almost three weeks ago. In those last two months when he was in hospice care at home, I rarely had time enough, focus enough, or energy enough to write anything that required depth or richness.

So this week I made time. And when I got started, I was relieved to find that I could still dig deep, and make the words sing.

Sagebrush

I started with a column for Colorado Central, a lively local mag, exerpting a longer essay on home I wrote for An Elevated View: Colorado Writers on Writing. Here's the column lede:

When I was a child, I knew exactly where home was: Wyoming. Although I was born and lived in Illinois, I recognized the home of my heart on a family vacation. It was June, my father was driving, gas pedal to the floor as he urged the engine of our home-made camper-van to its top speed…

The engine knocked hard, and I looked up from my book. Elk Mountain, still splotched with spring snow, rose out of an ocean-like expanse of sagebrush, silver-green and spangled with moisture. The air pouring in the jalousie windows bore a fragrance I still find intoxicating: turpentine mixed with pine-resin and the spicy sweetness of orange blossoms.

Sagebrush, I said to myself. I'm home.

My heart swelled with feelings a child could not explain….

It was an excerpt, not an original piece, and it came out too long. Still, I found new angles in the story.

Next, I tackled my "Whole Life" column for the spring issue of Zone 4, inspired by an article on home solar power I'd written for Audubon Magazine:

Just before Earth Day three years ago, the power company hooked up our new silent, non-polluting rooftop plant, and our electrical meter began running backwards. Our "plant" is a photovoltaic system, using 24 panels to capture energy from the sun's rays and produce clean electricity….

Emboldened by my success at wrestling that one to my 250-word limit, I decided to work on the stack of new books on my desk awaiting reviews.

RaisingElijahLarge

Sandra Steingraber's Raising Elijah: Protecting Our Children in an Age of Environmental Crisis had been there longest, so I started with it. And wrote a review which went places that surprised me, from parenting and environmental issues to the fundamentals of writing itself:

Each chapter begins and ends with a parenting vignette…. Steingraber uses memoir to introduce facts, and does it so effectively that the reader is sucked right in, regardless of whether we really wanted to know what she's going to tell us. That makes the book an instructive one for writers as well, especially those of use who tell life stories. How does she keep the balance between memoir and journalism? How does she make bad news lyrical and wise?

It feels good to find my voice again, and to write. It's what I need to do to live well, heart outstretched as if it were my hand, in all of the moments ahead, however many there may be.