Richard and I just rolled in from our latest trip over the mountains from Denver, and as the designated driver until Richard recovers, I have to say I don't even want to see the car for a few days, much less spend any more time in the driver's seat. The six-hour-round-trip commute, plus dealing with city traffic, wring me out. It's good to be home where I can walk everywhere, saving my own energy and the planet's fossil fuel.

Richardorangery

The news from this latest peek into Richard's brain is mixed.

The good: Last night's CT scan shows no sign of bleeding, which means the cranial cleansing surgery of 15 days ago was successful. And the backwards-question-mark-shaped suture running across the right side of his scalp from front to back and down along his ear has healed so nicely, so his head bling (the 28 stainless-steel staples) was removed. 

The not-so-good: There's still a lot of cerebro-spinal fluid filling the space between his right brain and his skull. Enough, in fact, that his right hemisphere continues to push against his left. His neurosurgery team is concerned enough to want to see him again in three weeks.

So, we didn't get the "all clear" from neurosurgery we were hoping for, the "looks great, see you in three months." But we did get "Well, it's not worse," a distinct improvement over how things have been recently, with two crisis trips in one month to the VA Hospital, plus the most recent craniotomy.

As I drove us home, it occurred to me that three weeks before the next trip is longer than we've been home at any time since mid-December. Huh. I bet that'll feel more like a reprieve when I'm not so exhausted.

Littlebluestem

After spending three hours at the VA Hospital, we spent the next three touring Denver Botanic Gardens with my Dad. There's nothing like wandering among gardens to restore my spirit. All that life bent on the riotous business of growth and reproduction, just bursting with energy. Although it was an unusually warm afternoon with temperatures in the '70s, most of the garden was still in winter dress–which is not shabby, as in the beautiful contrast of little bluestem (Schizachyrium scoparium), Willa Cather's "wine-colored grass" native to the American prairies, and Mexican feathergrass (Nasella tenuissima) in the photo above.

We wandered the whole gardens, from the formal borders in the front to the woodland areas and the prairie, and then past lily ponds still drained for the winter, rose gardens neatly pruned, and into the orangery and conservatories.

(Hence the photo of Richard finishing the last of his lunch in the orangery at the beginning of the post, the air around him suffused with the sweet scent of citrus blossoms, and the tulips and amaryllis bursting out of the flower boxes.)

Dadiris

Crocus and dwarf iris blossoms popped up everywhere outside. Like the vivid blue clumps of dwarf iris naturalizing in a grass and sedum "lawn" in the photo above. That's my 82-year-old, legally-blind Dad admiring them, first with one eye and then with the other, since each eye has so little visual field left that the two no longer combine. Still, having to struggle to see something doesn't dim his enjoyment of it in the least.

Starrycrocus

Like these starry crocus receiving the energetic pollination attentions of a fly.

Snowdrops

Or the snowdrops that reminded Dad and I of the year we spent with Mom in England.

Irissedum
Or the outrageous contrast of these chrome yellow Danford-type dwarf iris with rust and green Sedums.

I wish the news on Richard's brain was better. I want to see him healed and back to work on his sculpture. I wish the earthquake and tsunami hadn't devastated northern Japan, sending the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant into toxin-spewing death spiral. I wish the world were at peace–everywhere.

That's not how things are going right now. So I'll soothe my spirit wherever I can, for instance, spending part of an afternoon with two of my favorite guys searching for splashes of beauty as winter's spare architecture gives way to the riotous blooms of spring. There is immense comfort in the cycle of the seasons–life continues, despite all.

This week has been far too interesting and I'm still trying to absorb everything.

First, the hygroma. Richard and I thought we had the whole month of December off, with no appointments or procedures scheduled. Wrong. His neurosurgery team was concerned about his hygroma, a fancy word for the cerebro-spinal fluid that's filled the cavity where his tumors were removed. So they asked him to come in for a CT scan and a consult on Wednesday. After ascertaining that they really wanted to expose his brain to more radiation (last winter's gamma-ray treatments were more than enough for one brain), we agreed.

Richard

Thus, Wednesday morning, we headed over the mountains to Denver. The weather cooperated, the roads were clear, the scan went well, and the neurosurgeons were pleased–the fluid hasn't changed since his MRI three weeks ago, he's got no symptoms that concern them, and there is no sign of tumors returning. All good. In fact, very good. (Doesn't he look great striding across the snow in the photo above, shot on a stop in our drive?)

We were heading home at three that afternoon, delighted at the news and calculating that if we hurried, we'd make it over the highest-elevation parts of the drive before dark, when my cellphone rang.

It was my Dad, calling to say my Mom was in the hospital for a blood transfusion. Her red blood cell count had crashed, and she had been incoherent and incontinent the previous night. "She wants you to come," he said, "But it's your call. She's getting good care."

"Do you need me?" I asked. "No," he said. "Save your energy to take care of you and Richard. But she wanted me to tell you to come."

He put my mom on the phone. "Please come," she said in a faint, shaky voice. "I'm scared."

We turned around and headed for the hospital. The anxiety from my mom's Alzheimer's does not make hospital stays easy. Nor does her physical frailty–she probably weighs 82 pounds soaking wet. She just wants to be home, and can't understand why she has to be poked for IVs, have a catheter put in, endure having the dressings on her bedsores changed, and so on. She isn't even really interested in eating, though she'll open her mouth for food if it's presented. (As long as it's not broccoli, or canned peas. Chocolate pudding goes down best.)

After talking her condition over, we agreed that Mom needs great pain management, drugs to handle the anxiety, and daily nurturing–and she needs to be at home, with my dad, who is her rock. And my dad needs help caring for her. So on their behalf, I asked the doctor if she could give us information about palliative care–care that aims to comfort and support, rather than intervene aggressively.

This afternoon, the hospital's wonderfully compassionate palliative care team assembled in my mom's room. After a two-hour meeting (we're home again, so I participated via speakerphone), we have a plan: once my mom's stable and strong enough to go home–perhaps tomorrow, more likely Sunday–she'll be released into in-home hospice care.

MomandDad

"How are you?" my brother asked when I reached him this evening with the news. "It's a relief," I said. "I know she'll be happier at home, and this way Dad will have help to care for her." I knew what he was really asking though: Am I okay with recognizing that Mom's going to die? "I don't know whether she's got weeks or months, but I know she wouldn't want to go on like this."

"What about you?" I asked. "Ditto," he said.

Of course we'd like Mom to live forever. But it's very clear that she's on a downward slide. So we'll let her go as gracefully and lovingly as we can. It's how she taught us to live, and since she brought us into this world, the least we can do is help her graciously as she continues on in the cycle, however long that takes.

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To end on a more cheerful note, a quick brag about my "WildLives: Celebrating the World Around Us" CD project, released this week the day before the maternal-health you-know-what hit the fan. Women's Memoirs featured WildLives and the story of its creation in an audio interview and a Youtube video this week! And as of this afternoon, our wonderful local bookstore, The Book Haven, has agreed to handle distribution. So if you want a copy, give them a call at 719-530-0249 or email thebookhavenlisa at gmail dot com.

I was able to play the WildLives CD for my mom in her hospital room; hearing my voice was so soothing to her that she slept for several hours. I regard that as a great endorsement…