I didn’t intend to renovate my life. After Richard died last November, I figured I’d hibernate for several months to recover from the journey with his brain cancer, especially the last four weeks of caregiving while simultaneously learning to let go. I wanted some time to hear myself think, to figure out this new and unsought role as Woman Alone.
I thought I’d work on the next book (or books). Hah.
Luminarias light Salida's Steamplant Sculpture Park in Richard's memory
First there was the celebration of Richard’s life to prepare for, just after winter solstice. Like anything done with a great deal of love and thought, it took far more time and energy than I expected. It also turned out to be a beautifully moving and healing event, bringing together a crowd of people whose lives he had touched in a way that left us all feeling good–like we’d really celebrated his life and our loss.
After that was the scramble to get paperwork done before the end of the year. And then the scramble to get organized for the Terraphilia Artist/Writer Residency program we’re establishing in his honor with Colorado Art Ranch. The latter entailed taking a long look at his historic studio and deciding that in addition to a thorough clean-out and reorganization, it needed work.
The front door to Richard's historic studio
That meant I needed to learn about construction and renovation of historic brick buildings, both way out of my comfort zone. I’m slowly learning how things work in the shop, what needs to be done most urgently, and who and how to ask for help. (Heartfelt thanks to all who have responded to those pleas!)
At the same time, or perhaps because of the renovation energy I’d unleashed in the studio, I decided it was time to renovate my web presence. Hence this spiffy new website and blog combination, which would never have come to be without the help of Bill LeRoy, friend and guru of WordPress. He understands and speaks Geek, talents I do not claim.
While all this other renovation was happening, I decided to revive the project of bringing my first book, Pieces of Light, back into print—as an ebook with the help of my virtual assistant, Lisa DeYoung). It made sense to—hah!—renovate the book, adding an update at the end of each chapter, enticing new readers with new content. Which of course meant I had to research, find a writing voice that honored the long-ago me who wrote the original book, and write those updates.
That wasn’t the writing I had planned on in what I thought (hah again!) would be the quiet months of my late-winter hibernation. (I also hadn’t planned on upgrading the operating system on my Mac laptop to handle Apple’s new iBooks Author software, another renovation which of course, wasn’t as simple as I hoped.)
All this renovating has pushed me out of such comfort zone as I had left after Richard’s death, putting me into new territory on several major fronts of my life. I suppose that’s good, though some nights between two and four a.m. when I lie awake sorting through and assimilating all of the new information, I wonder. Long and tiredly.
But here I am. Woman Alone. Who finds at the end of another day of cramming more information into my brain than I thought it could hold, and figuring out a construction problem all. by. myself. that I’m actually happy. Being me, here in the place I love, on my own.
It helps that I have you all walking with me and cheering me on. And that I can feel Richard’s spirit smiling over my shoulder the way I did this morning when I looked out the front door and was so entranced by the luminous full moon setting that I dashed outside barefoot in my bathrobe to shoot some photos. (Did I mention the thermometer read 11 degrees F?) I think he was actually laughing then…
I am so very proud of you and happy for you Susan~ you have a gift for finding the teachable moment in everything and helping others to discover how to move out of their comfort zones in order to move ahead. I am so proud to know you <3 dear friend
Chery
Doc Chery, Finding those teachable moments brings me a great deal of satisfaction, and being able to share them in a way that illuminates life for others makes me feel like perhaps it’s worth making this journey… Of course, between two and four in the morning, I still wonder!
so many changes, and yet, this all seems inevitable somehow. maybe what i really mean is that it all seems so appropriate. your strength and spirit shine, even as richard and the moon chuckle in concert.
Velma, I’m glad it all seems appropriate from the outside. From the inside, I sometimes think I’m racing in circles chasing my tail… Thank you for that reassurance.
And you say you’re not a Geek…I beg to differ!
Very nice job, Susan!
I am SO not a Geek. I’ve had a lot of help on this one… And it’s not done yet, but we’re making progress!
What an extraordinary woman you are, Susan Tweit. And your unbounded energy, unbelievable! Bless your dear heart.
Bobbe, I’m just determined, and a little triple-Virgo stubborn…
Triple Virgo. Well, that explains some of this… But, still, you are the most extraordinary woman I have ever known. When I think I can’t manage or can’t keep going, I just remember you. My inspiration.
As I said to Susan G-T below, Bobbe. We all have power; we just don’t know how much until we need it. You’ve proved over and over again that you’ve got what you need, and you aren’t afraid to use it…
You’re living in the moment – every moment (except when you sleep); you’re in the flow, allowing new experiences to present themselves – and you answer, “yes.” I, too, am happy to know you!
Maria, Bless you! I’m doing my best to answer “yes” even when–especially when–I want to curl up and whisper “no.” You know how hard it is to venture out when you’re not feeling ready, but how rewarding it can be when you do.
What a wonderful new blog/website, you’ve created here! Especially fitting to be opening it near beginning of spring(even though it’s 11 degrees where you are, now). To learn a new computer operating system, create a web/blog design and get it up and running AND do construction and your writing work. Whew! You may be a woman alone, but you are a powerful woman!
Susan G-T, Thank you for noticing the connection with the season of spring and the “new growth” in my work and life. It’s certainly a fertile time for me, which is a little ironic given that it’s not yet four months since Richard’s death. There’s a sense in which his death opened doors for me, ones I would never have looked for, but here I am, and there’s no point wasting the opportunities in front of me. I think we all have power; we just don’t always realize how much until we need it!
“I think [Richard] was actually laughing then…”
Well, that explains those joyful sounds I heard near Safeway, this morning. These months anon, he still delights in you.
Sometimes we miss the obvious-to-others about ourselves. Having worked alongside you, I’ve known you have an eye, and a mind, for spacial relationships. (That intrinsic biological science analytical stuff comes out in all matter of nifty ways.) For darn sure, you’ve learned adaptation. I think you picked up more regarding the Mill workshop that you realized, during Richard’s tenure there.
A “triple Virgo,” huh? Is that why you’re (at least) three times more balanced than the rest of us?
A final note: Bill Spencer once told me, “Don’t confuse strength with power.”
And, oh, about that “planning” stuff not working out according to plan… well, maybe it does—just not our plans, or at least what we think are our plans. Surely I’m not the only writer who’s started a specific sort of writing, only to find something else entirely is being written? And it’s far better than what I’d planned to write?
Maybe we “plan” in order to get working on what’s really the Plan.
Eduardo, You are right that I’ve adapted over the years and will continue to do that. Right now I just feel like a bit less change and renovation would give me more time to adjust to all of the adapting.
I know that writing is like life, and the best writing goes its own direction with the writer trotting along doing her or his best to keep up, but I really, really would like some things to be easier to manage!
Susan, you are an amazing woman and an inspiration to all of us. You are showing us that it is OK to lose someone we love and to honor that loved one by continuing to live life to the fullest.
Thank you for being you.
Lindy
Lindy, Bless you for understanding! I do believe you’re right: the best way to honor those we love and their lives is to live on in a way that celebrates who they were/are and what they stood for. So I’m living each day with an intention of extending the love Richard and I shared, for each other, and for life itself…
Yes, its interesting how we react when we find ourselves in situations with expectations. I think allowing the space to actually feel and then getting to know ourselves and learning from this might be one of the big advantages of getting older.
Concepts like alone, love, happy, content, unsure can mean so many different things.
ET, I agree that getting older definitely gives us more space or perhaps “permission” to get to know who we really are with fewer burdens of expectation (or the perception that others expect certain things of us!). I think that alone, love, happy, content and unsure are very personal in their “hues”: they mean different things to each of us, and take on different shades of meaning at different times in our lives. That’s what makes life such an interesting journey…
Awesome! Hope your satisfaction with these accomplishments runs deep.
Thanks, Mary Jo! I’m still tinkering, but I’m feeling good about the look and feel of the site as a whole…
The new site looks great! Easy to navigate and I love the header photo you chose, very intimate and real.
Thanks, Sweetie. The best thing about the header design is that I can change header photos whenever I want, easily. I have half a dozen in reserve for whenever I feel the whim (wind?) of change…
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